Regardless, this is not only spot-on about the dangerous and farcical nature of crossfit, it's eminently witty & entertaining. (Typos and grammatical errors aside.)
These crossfit cultists remind me,too, of the Heaven's Gate whackos all wearing their brand new, black and white Nike Decade shoes as they shuffled off this mortal coil.
And if I weren't already boycotting Reebok for life ( over their fraudulent "toning shoe" scam), I would certainly boycott them now for embracing this nonsense.
The thread begins here:
Bryan, first you didn't understand why 30 reps with olympic lifts is a terrible and pointless idea,
then you say Dave Castro's 24 second deadlift was good form:
(courtesy to Clay)
Now your saying that 66 deadlifts with four 400 meters sprints, done for time, maximally, is NOT going to cause hamstrings tears.
LOL I do not know how to respond to this, its hilarious.
Bryan's post reminds me, this is a great opportunity to refresh the stages of cult behavior associated with CrossFit, similar to Dante's Inferno, this is Glassman's Inferno. Its the development stage of the CrossFitter, a burden we've all had to experience unfortunately:
Stage -2
People unaware of CrossFit.
Stage -1
Normal people. Burdened by the repetative obnoxious CrossFit behavior, CrossFit won't go away, resorted to making fun of it. Especially when CrossFitters won't shut the fuck up.
________________Depths of Glassman's Inferno______________________
Stage 1 CrossFitter (purgatory)
Does not give a shit about CrossFit philosophy, just wants to make money off it.
Stage 2 CrossFitter
Does not give a shit about CF philosophy, just wants lose weight and exercise without going to a gym with body builders; that would shatter their self esteem, randomly stumbles upon a CrossFit gym.
Stage 3 CrossFitter
Believes in CF, mediocre performer at best, lacks knowledge and experience in anything sport & exercise science, yet considers themselves an expert and coach. Religiously rejects any alternative sport, established research, and training means, thinks their opinion is valued and respected (its not) as they quote Greg Glassman and the CrossFit Journal, which they consider messages from the gods. Anything outside this stream of information, confuses them, and like cult zombies, they attack it. Determined to gain attention by outwardly showing the CrossFit affection via vomitting terrible information, crazy recommendations, and wears CrossFit branded clothing to display their dominance among normal people that do not give a shit. Believes in punishment training, but is too scared to break the "elite threshold" into injury. This is the only rational piece of thinking left in their consciousness, beyond this, it's complete nonsense and hard headed belief in CrossFit, which they believe, is sanctum. You'll find them frequently posting on the CrossFit messageboards, trolling in other forums about elite crossfit methodology superiority over everything else and gravely insulted when someone refutes it, they're always changing their facebook pictures to something CrossFit to gain repect and acknowledgement, and telling other people to do CrossFit.
Stage 4 CrossFitter
Attempting to break the "elite threshold" gets injuried from CF, average performer at best and will never improve beyond this. They're on the brink of total CrossFit injury martyr or CrossFit quiter. They begin to question the legitimacy and effectiveness of CF.com or affliate, two paths are either chosen: quit CrossFitting and do something else, ie Starting Strength, 5/3/1, or .......
Death before DNF.
The first path, the person finds themself staring at the poison kool aid cup, sitting quietly in their hand, as everyone else around them chugs it, kills over and dies in their own vomit and urine. Their fate branches from this moment. Some stop themselves after watching their co-exercises kill over, most are not this lucky.
The second path, the person chugs the kool aid, decides the only way to become better at CF, is to do more CF, at the most extreme level possible. They start doing 2-3 wods a day, CF add ons like CFE, with completely random irresponsible programming and over the top combinations. Their belief is magnified. They start their own CrossFit poetry blog, and begin flagrantly expressing the emotional break downs caused by workouts, and what it means to them as a person to be an elite exerciser, compared to everyone else, that doesn't do functional movements at high intensity; they're adamant about sharing their online workout log when no one cares. They up the attention seeking by starting their own youtube channel, video taping themselves, hoping other CFers will respect their suicidal exercise tendencies, and validate the only thing they ever wanted... to be considered elite. Then the chronic injuries happen.
Stage 5 Crossfitters
Full belief in CF, their life mission is to compete in Games, but will never make it because they suck and too stupid to do normal, research backed training; that would be anti CrossFit and specialist. They become a CrossFit martyr. Rattled with chronic injuries and weak all around strength, with shit weightlifting technique, the multiple wods a day and addons never worked in their training, of course it didn't. It crushed them. They're left with a stupid blog with pictures of them in tie die knee high socks, shirtless, bleeding on the floor from their palms, and bragging about their sweat patterns left on the floor because they forgot chairs and t shirts existed. Their youtube videos that once had fellow CrossFitters displaying appreciation for their suicidal workouts, has been comment-less for 6 months. They, as a potential elite CrossFitter, potentially one of the fittest human beings on Earth, have been forgotten. So they punish their facebook account, making their facebook friends pay for the lack of attention, status updates, photo albums dedicated to wods, competitions, and their crossfit tattoos, everyday video taping their workouts, constant friending hundreds of people they've never met. And no one gives a shit. They then spend the next 2 years of their life, on and off CrossFit.com remenicing on how elite they used to be and once had their WOD video posted on SICFIT.com, they then start an affiliate to exercise punish other people.
Stage 6 CrossFitter
Full belief in CF, competes in Games, thinks or are told they're an elite athlete, make their own clothing line. These are the reject athletes or bodybuilders. People that have successfully played in sports either college or semi pro, were average at best, could never make it top shelf and retire in glory, and stumbled upon CrossFit, discovering that because they have a background in sports training with actual skills and conventional training, are able to crush 90% of the other yuppie middle aged CrossFitters who completely lack that background. People immediately recognize their elite potential. Random people start video taping them, ask to take pictures with them to put on their facebook, come up and ask for advice to get on their elite GPP level, that will never never happen. They find themselves being told to compete in the Games, they soon believe they're elite, begin with fitness duels to continue to feed this ego and self concept forged on exercising no normal person would do. CrossFit HQ spots them, gets a hard on, and because they're fresh meat, absent of CF injuries and desperate poetry blogs talking about elite fitness, give them a Progenex deal while start glorifying them on CrossFit.com, saying this is what CrossFit makes.
Stage 7 CrossFitter
Full belief in CF, doesn't exercise because of total injury caused by CrossFit or consider themselves an elite coach and don't need to. Regardless of the extremeness in injury CF has caused to, they still believe full in CF. This is the final stage. The concentration of CF ideology is at a maximum quality. There is no longer dismissal of rational, normal research backed training from exercise and sports science, but COMPLETE REJECTION and HATRED for it. They are caught in CF videos insulting other sports, researchers, physicians, nutritionists, and challenging them to duels; people that do not know CrossFit even exists, to PROVE CrossFit's unconventional, DOMINANT TRAINING METHODOLOGY. They're so rich in their belief in CF and the CF Journal that they see themselves to have "greater academia" then any established and legitimate phd or olympic coach. These are the wod makers, the people that think they're prominant revolutionary scientists and experts, often reciting 9th grade biology and physics lessons during fitness conversations. They're so destroyed in the past years from irrational training methods, permanent injury, and stale novice levels of sports performance, they have no physical performance abilities left. Their physical appearance is that of an alcoholic or transgender; men shaped as women, with women features, or so impressed with themselves that their superiority of fitness knowledge far exceeds any physical capability of their CF drones. What drives them is their push for more dominance. They got away with attacking legitimate people who either do not know CF exists, or do not give a shit, and are now going mainstream. Globo Gyms were the past, the Olympics is next. FH heart study is next. The Nobel Prize is next. The specialists and academia have to realize they're weak and inferior to the CrossFit training methodology. The whole motivation and movement is actually based on their deep down self image of them being weak, and invaluable, they have to prove themselves. The more successful they are in CrossFit, the greater compensation for this hidden self perception of being weak. They must drive harder, become icons of fitness, world revolutionaries. They will show them, show how everyone else is weaker. No matter how much bullshit they have to sell.
Then they walk up to a chalk board.
The fitness revolution must be fed.
All counter efforts must be given the STFU therapy
Fitness Asylum
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